How to Be A Medical Doctor In A Few Easy Steps

Take the patient’s weight, height, blood pressure and temperature. Listen to him describe his symptoms. Inform him that he probably has a virus and should go home and get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids.

The patient returns because he is still sick. Concede that it must be a bacterial infection and send him away with a prescription for antibiotics.

The patient is still not better. Refer him to a specialist.

Advanced students only:

A fake general practitioner refers a patient to you, a fake specialist. Order an exhaustive battery of tests. Schedule them as far in the future as possible.

Do not call the patient when the test results arrive. Wait for him to call you. Then, decline to discuss them over the phone and schedule an appointment, again as far in the future as possible.

At this point, the patient is either dead or feeling better, so you’re done!